In the movie Inside Out, the feelings of a little girl, Riley, are personified as different characters. For example, there is “Joy,” “Sadness,” “Anger,” and “Disgust.” The movie mostly takes place in her mind, as we see Joy, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust interacting during a transitional time in Riley’s life.
As Riley’s comfort plushy Bing Bong slumps dejectedly on the ground, Joy runs up enthusiastically, dons her biggest smile, and speaks soothingly, “Hey, it’s gonna be okay; we can fix this!” When he doesn’t respond positively, she tries to tickle him; she makes funny faces; she waves her hands energetically and uses motivational speech. Nothing works! Meanwhile, Sadness approaches Bing Bong quietly, “I’m sorry they took your rocket; they took something that you loved; it’s gone forever.” Bing Bong mourns, “It’s all I had left of Riley.” Sadness responds gently, inquisitively, “I bet you and Riley had great adventures.” “Oh, they were wonderful.” Sadness puts her hand gently on his arm. Bing Bong hugs her and begins to cry.
It's just a kid’s movie, but it speaks so eloquently about the posture of listening well and asking good questions. Like Joy in “Inside Out,” everything and everyone in our world are always talking at us. The cellphone squawks incessantly; the internet streams unceasingly; screens flicker everywhere; talking heads advertise, inform, and entertain 24 hours per day. Input, input, input! But how often does anyone listen to us? It’s rare. However, learning to listen well and ask good questions like Sadness helps us get to deeper heart issues so we can help mentees move toward wholeheartedness.
Gospel-centered mentors listen well and ask good questions to draw out what the Holy Spirit and the mentees’ new nature are eager to accomplish in their lives (see Proverbs 20:5). As mentors listen well and ask good questions, they help mentees process their thoughts, sin, problems, and opportunities.
A mentor often has his own ideas how mentees should mature, but his task is not to convince them to do what he thinks is best for them; his task is to help them develop wholehearted character in a way that is suitable for their personality, circumstances, and the Spirit’s work in their hearts through law and gospel. Listening well and asking good questions starts with the mindset that mentees have far more information about and investment in their lives than you do. This, of course, should be balanced with what we’ve learned before: we all have blind spots because of our rebellious natures and the proximity to our own circumstances.
Listen Actively
When we talk about listening well, some might be tempted to think, “Just listen; it’s not that difficult.” However, listening well takes skill, and it starts with listening actively.
Attentive Posture
Be open and inviting in your posture and demeanor, keeping your arms in a neutral position on the table or on your knees rather than crossed. Minimize distractions, such as phone notifications, big crowds, and excessive noise. More than a few times, mentees have broken down and cried because they were overwhelmed with emotion at the issue they were discussing with their mentor; that can be quite embarrassing for them both if this happens in a public place.
Verbal Encouragement
This can be as simple as responding to mentees’ sharing with “yes,” “I see,” “interesting,” or “tell me more.” These small phrases communicate that you are engaged with mentees and tracking with them. In some cultures, even nonsense words such as “uh-hu” or “uh-uh-uh” can provide verbal encouragement. Other cultures encourage with head-nodding.
It is important to verbally acknowledge and validate strong emotions when mentees express them. For example, you might acknowledge their emotion by saying something like, “I can see how distressing this situation is for you...” You can also validate their emotions by saying something like, “Of course, you’re sad about this. Who wouldn't be sad?” This lets mentees know that you are tracking with them and encourages them to continue sharing. You are reminding them that this conversation is a safe place for their thoughts, emotions, dreams, confessions, etc.
True Listening
Don’t think of what to say next. Be comfortable with silence. Inexperienced mentors often feel like they need to fill “dead space,” so they are naturally uncomfortable with the silence that often follows a question; but most mentees need sink time before they can give an answer. This may be the first time they have thought about the issue you are discussing, especially at a deeper level. A question you asked may have them thinking about the topic in a way they haven’t considered before.
Avoid drifting away while the mentee is talking or thinking. For example,
I was in a conflict today and I can’t get it out of my mind.
I really want to get back to work (or whatever I was doing before we started talking)
I’m personally frustrated by something in the conversation, and I am thinking about my emotions instead of what I’m hearing.
What you said reminded me of a task I need to do or an unrelated problem I am having.
It is not always easy to stay focused on mentees, especially if you are already a busy person or have had a busy day before the session. However, it is imperative that you give mentees your full attention.
Curiosity
During this phase of mentoring, you want to foster an attitude of curiosity. Ask yourself, “Why did she say that? I want to learn more…” vs. “How do I solve her problem?” Your goal is not to diagnose and solve mentees’ problems. As much as possible, you want to help them identify their own needs, come to their own conclusions, and develop their own plans, plans that they will personally own. It’s easier for them to do all that if you are not trying to impress your own ideas on them, especially if they esteem you and may be tempted to follow your advice over their own ideas.
As you foster that attitude of curiosity, be careful of a diagnosis approach as identified by this typical thought process:
After something your mentee says makes you curious, you identify the problem as you see it;
Then, you develop a potential solution for her;
Then, you develop a strategy to get her to see your solution and choose it for herself.
You started out well with curiosity but now you are playing more of the role of a doctor or counselor than a mentor who is helping a mentee develop a godly plan. Certainly, there are times when you must confront mentees their sin or identify their blind spots. However, as a rule, your job is to listen well so mentees can make their own plans.
Good Summaries
After mentees have shared, it’s useful to summarize what they’ve said in your own words. That ensures you really understand what they are trying to say and offers them an opportunity to correct your understanding or explain themselves further. They may even gain insight from hearing their own thoughts coming from your mouth. Here’s a possible summary script:
“Thank you for sharing that!” You are acknowledging that it may have taken them a lot of courage to share something so deep, confusing, or embarrassing.
“It sounds like…” and then share what you think you heard them say. One gospel-centered mentor recommends this useful addition: “I want to know how to pray for you after our meeting, so let me share what I think I heard you say.”
End your summary with, “Did I understand you correctly?”